Crisis

Having a crisis in a family is so jolting. It can change a whole family dynamic. Having a crisis can either bring a family together or rip them apart depending on how they handle the situation. I would like to share an experience that I've had. 

My dear friend Madie passed away November 20, 2012. 

It was a tragic car accident where she was killed on impact and her brother was life lighted to a nearby hospital. Their family is an amazing example to me. They have grown so much closer to God through this experience but most importantly they grew together. Instead of letting this crisis tear the family apart, they worked together to push through the hard times that are still coming. If they had let the stress and heartache get to them, the whole situation could be a lot worse. So many things have changed in their family, even just day to day. For example, not a day goes by when they don't think of her. They all wish they had one more day with her. They mourn together over their loss of her and they work together to keep her amazing example alive here on Earth. Her mother now has a blog where she shares her feelings and memories and uses them to help others who are going through the same thing. I hope one day my family can be as strong as them. (This photo was taken about 9 months after the accident. Look how amazingly happy they all are together. They have grown undoubtedly closer.)

Magic 5 Hours

To keep a marriage strong Gottman has suggested the Magic 5 Hour rule. Five hours sounds like a lot of time but it is only five hours in a whole week. Let me break this down for you so can have a better understanding.

PARTING THOUGHTFULLY: When one or both of you are parting ways in the morning, whether it's for work or an appointment, always take two minutes to say goodbye. If you do this once every work day that adds up to ten minutes. Only ten minutes a week so far and the relationship is bound to stay stronger.

REUNIONS: When one spouse returns home take a nice twenty minutes to focus on each other. This can be hugging and asking about how each others day went or just sitting on the couch and cuddling. If you do this for twenty minutes on every work day then you've got 110 minutes now of relationship building.

ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION: Take five minutes every day to tell your spouse things you appreciate and admire about them. By doing this you create a stronger bond and appreciation for everything they are contributing to this marriage. So, if you take five minutes everyday that's thirty five minutes a week. Now we're up to 145 minutes. That's about two and a half hours a week!

AFFECTION: Take five minutes every day to place a kiss on your spouse or to hold their hand. Whatever you choose and label as affection. This continues to strengthen the bond between husband and wife. If you take five minutes every day, that adds up to another thirty five minutes. Now that's a total of three hours a week! How hard can this really be right?

WEEKLY DATE: Now if you take two hours to go on a weekly date to grow closer together then you reach the full five hours. A weekly date makes it easier to forget the world and focus on your spouse. It's only two hours; you could even just go have a great conversation over some amazing food then go for a stroll afterwards. 

It's that simple. Now you have your full five hours a week that is meant to strengthen your relationship and bring joy to you and your spouse.

The Husband

There are many things that a husband can do before, during and after a child is born. I have chosen five things that I would like my husband to engage in. First, I would like him to go to all of my prenatal appointments. This is a very important aspect to me. What if he wasn’t there and I found out some troubling news about the baby? I would feel so alone and helpless but if he was there then we would be better able to work through it together. 

Secondly, I would need him to be patient with me. I get very moody sometimes and I can just imagine it getting worse when I’m pregnant. Thirdly, I need him to be understanding during my pregnancy. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. I need him to understand that some days that I’ll be sick and others where I’m just completely worn out. 

Fourthly, I want him to be excited and reassuring. I need him to be excited because if he’s not it will just add stress to an already stress filled situation.  It will make me a lot happier overall. Then if he’s reassuring as he’s excited then I will be able to feel a lot more relaxed and be able to take the baby steps necessary in my pregnancy. Lastly, after the child is born, I need his help with the child. He can’t just provide for it and let me do all the work. It needs to be a mutual love and caring for the child. If I need a nap then he should be willing to watch the child if he is able to. Overall, there will be strain and hard times but if we work together then there is a great gate to success.

What is Love?

There are four kinds of love. Storge, Eros, Phillia, and Agape. 

Storge is a parent/child type of love. The love a parent has for a child is insurmountable. It is also explained as a natural affection, for example, how God loves us.

Eros is an intimate, and passionate type of love. This pertains to why you kiss someone. This is the intimate side of love. It comes from the word erotic.

Phillia is a brotherly type of love. It is more of a comradery type of love. A love where you would do anything for them because of how much you love them. 

Agape is charity type love. It is a selfless love without intimacy. When you love someone so much that you just want to do things for them and make sure they're okay. It is a lot like an unconditional love.

We need all of these kinds of love to be able to have a successful marriage. If one is lacking then it will cause strain and cracks in the marriage and each other. If we are not careful and this becomes the case then we should find the source of the problem and try to fix it with communication.

Same Gender Attraction

In this post I will be mostly talking about gay men and their attraction to each other. Boys are not just simply "born that way". Being gay is not a genetic disorder or predisposition. It is usually caused by a number of factors as the boy grows up. A main factor is the father. A boy is more likely to be gay if:

1) If the father is distant, uncaring or never even there to begin with.

2) If the mother wears the pants in the family.

3) The boy gets picked on because the father has no great influence as to how the boy should act.

The boy is searching for acceptance from his own gender and tries to find it through peers. If the peers are not accepting it makes it even worse, so when the boy finally does find another boy who accepts him he mistakes acceptance for a different kind of feeling. He begins to have sexual desires towards other boys and then it just grows from there. There are other factors that play into it as well but having an unloving and cold father figure is a main contributor.

I encourage you to play with your son. Get to know him personally and try to understand him. Play games with him and tell him that you're proud of him. Let him know he has someone to turn to in any time of need. Be his teacher and guider through this rope course of life, but most importantly tell him you love him.

Culture

Every culture is different and there are many kinds of different cultures. First, we must define culture. Google's definition of culture is, "the arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively." This is a good definition for this post but everyone has a different view of what culture can be defined as. 

Culture plays a huge role in how a family works together. Culture influences how children grow up. For example, in some African cultures everyone raises the children together. They work together to help the child develop. Every culture is different and we should take the time to understand them. Just as long as we love our children unconditionally.  Each family has their own culture. Cultures are passed down from generation to generation. For example, family dinners may be a common thing in your family and then it will continue on with your children. Another example is in politics. Children usually follow the views of their parents. Culture is full of traditions and specific views.

Family Rules

Family rules are very important. There are four ways to go about rules. First, you don't enforce them. If you do not enforce the rules or don't even have any in the house then the children will not take you seriously or gain respect for your views or opinions. The child will just end up doing whatever they want instead of what is best for them. They don't understand how the real world works and what is good or bad for them.

Second, you enforce the rules but are hypocritical in doing so. You may tell your child not to drink or swear and then find yourself doing those very things forbidden to your child. Children copy us a lot more than you think. They are always watching to understand and to see how to react to daily situations that occur. We should never say, "Do as I say, not as I do." Here is a video that demonstrates exactly what I'm talking about:

Third, we over enforce rules. We may want the best for our children but if we bog them down with intense rules and strict behaviors they are more subject for rebellion. If they rebel there is no telling what will happen or where they will end up.

Fourth, is the sweet spot. When you understand that you have to give a little in respectful places and be more strict in others. When children see that you understand their views and opinions then they are more subject to respect your views and opinions. The tricky part with this is knowing when to bend a little but when you get it right, it should feel like this...