Blended Families

When creating a blended family there are a few things to keep in mind. It takes at least two years to normalcy, the birth parent should do all of the heavy disciplining for their children, and the parents should council together often. It takes two years to normalcy because the house is adjusting to the knew surroundings and people.

The birth parent of the children should do all of the heavy disciplining for at least the first two years. The new parent has to take the time to earn the child's respect and disciplining them heavily will only make them want to fight back more. Fighting will create tension and pulls on the family unit.

The parents should council together often to see how the family dynamics can improve. They should also council about how each other is doing in the newly created family. You should always make sure that you are both are on the same page. By doing these things the transition should be much easier.

Parenting: Discipline vs. Punishment

Discipline and punishment are different. Punishment is creating your own consequence or penalty. While discipline is simply correcting the behavior. Punishment can be equivalent to spanking or sending a child to their room. Whereas discipline is equivalent to having a discussion about correcting the behavior as well as teaching.
How would you handle these children?

You might resort to this:

When you should be acting something like this:

Love is an amazing power for children but should never be used against them.

Fathers

There are five things that I have thought of that a new father should know. They are:

You're not a back-up parent, you're a father.

Go to every doctors appointment

Accept help

Be present

Be the protector

I consider these to be very important in understanding when becoming a father. First of all, you are not a back-up parent, you are a father. You are right there beside the mother. She may have a stronger instinct but you have instincts too. You may think of things that haven't come to her mind to try. You are equal partners.

Go to every doctors appointment. You never know what could happen to the baby that you wife is growing. What if you weren't there and she found out about a complication with the baby? She would feel her world crashing in around her and you wouldn't even be there to comfort her. 

You should swallow your pride and don't be afraid to accept help. You might need help taking care of the baby and the house while you have to work everyday and provide for the family. It's okay to take sometime for yourself and your wife while someone watches the baby for an hour or two.

Be as present with your baby as possible. Your baby will not remember you there but will know that you always were. Being present for the baby is so very important. There is no point in being a father if you come home just to get on the laptop or play video games. Being mentally there with your child and watching every step is highly rewarding and essential.

Be the protector. Be there for your wife. If she's tired, take care of her. You might even need to ask guests to leave and that's okay. Make sure she knows you are there for her because she won't feel as fantastic about herself as she used to. Make her feel as though there is an invisible shield you create between the family and the world.

Communication

A big part of communication is reflective listening. Reflective listening is also called active listening. This is when you actively participate and ask questions in the conversation. Reflective listening also includes repeating back what the speaker has said. You can apply this by saying:

"So you feel...."

"You're wondering if..."

"It sounds like you..."

By using reflective listening, you the speaker understand that you care and want to understand. It also helps the speaker understand that you have a desire to help and that you will always be there if needed. Reflective listening has so many benefits. Some of them are:

Creates empathy

Builds a positive relationship

Helps the speaker and listener understand each other

By using reflective listening you create a bond of trust that continues to grow as you continue to actively listen.

Crisis

Having a crisis in a family is so jolting. It can change a whole family dynamic. Having a crisis can either bring a family together or rip them apart depending on how they handle the situation. I would like to share an experience that I've had. 

My dear friend Madie passed away November 20, 2012. 

It was a tragic car accident where she was killed on impact and her brother was life lighted to a nearby hospital. Their family is an amazing example to me. They have grown so much closer to God through this experience but most importantly they grew together. Instead of letting this crisis tear the family apart, they worked together to push through the hard times that are still coming. If they had let the stress and heartache get to them, the whole situation could be a lot worse. So many things have changed in their family, even just day to day. For example, not a day goes by when they don't think of her. They all wish they had one more day with her. They mourn together over their loss of her and they work together to keep her amazing example alive here on Earth. Her mother now has a blog where she shares her feelings and memories and uses them to help others who are going through the same thing. I hope one day my family can be as strong as them. (This photo was taken about 9 months after the accident. Look how amazingly happy they all are together. They have grown undoubtedly closer.)

Magic 5 Hours

To keep a marriage strong Gottman has suggested the Magic 5 Hour rule. Five hours sounds like a lot of time but it is only five hours in a whole week. Let me break this down for you so can have a better understanding.

PARTING THOUGHTFULLY: When one or both of you are parting ways in the morning, whether it's for work or an appointment, always take two minutes to say goodbye. If you do this once every work day that adds up to ten minutes. Only ten minutes a week so far and the relationship is bound to stay stronger.

REUNIONS: When one spouse returns home take a nice twenty minutes to focus on each other. This can be hugging and asking about how each others day went or just sitting on the couch and cuddling. If you do this for twenty minutes on every work day then you've got 110 minutes now of relationship building.

ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION: Take five minutes every day to tell your spouse things you appreciate and admire about them. By doing this you create a stronger bond and appreciation for everything they are contributing to this marriage. So, if you take five minutes everyday that's thirty five minutes a week. Now we're up to 145 minutes. That's about two and a half hours a week!

AFFECTION: Take five minutes every day to place a kiss on your spouse or to hold their hand. Whatever you choose and label as affection. This continues to strengthen the bond between husband and wife. If you take five minutes every day, that adds up to another thirty five minutes. Now that's a total of three hours a week! How hard can this really be right?

WEEKLY DATE: Now if you take two hours to go on a weekly date to grow closer together then you reach the full five hours. A weekly date makes it easier to forget the world and focus on your spouse. It's only two hours; you could even just go have a great conversation over some amazing food then go for a stroll afterwards. 

It's that simple. Now you have your full five hours a week that is meant to strengthen your relationship and bring joy to you and your spouse.

The Husband

There are many things that a husband can do before, during and after a child is born. I have chosen five things that I would like my husband to engage in. First, I would like him to go to all of my prenatal appointments. This is a very important aspect to me. What if he wasn’t there and I found out some troubling news about the baby? I would feel so alone and helpless but if he was there then we would be better able to work through it together. 

Secondly, I would need him to be patient with me. I get very moody sometimes and I can just imagine it getting worse when I’m pregnant. Thirdly, I need him to be understanding during my pregnancy. There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. I need him to understand that some days that I’ll be sick and others where I’m just completely worn out. 

Fourthly, I want him to be excited and reassuring. I need him to be excited because if he’s not it will just add stress to an already stress filled situation.  It will make me a lot happier overall. Then if he’s reassuring as he’s excited then I will be able to feel a lot more relaxed and be able to take the baby steps necessary in my pregnancy. Lastly, after the child is born, I need his help with the child. He can’t just provide for it and let me do all the work. It needs to be a mutual love and caring for the child. If I need a nap then he should be willing to watch the child if he is able to. Overall, there will be strain and hard times but if we work together then there is a great gate to success.

What is Love?

There are four kinds of love. Storge, Eros, Phillia, and Agape. 

Storge is a parent/child type of love. The love a parent has for a child is insurmountable. It is also explained as a natural affection, for example, how God loves us.

Eros is an intimate, and passionate type of love. This pertains to why you kiss someone. This is the intimate side of love. It comes from the word erotic.

Phillia is a brotherly type of love. It is more of a comradery type of love. A love where you would do anything for them because of how much you love them. 

Agape is charity type love. It is a selfless love without intimacy. When you love someone so much that you just want to do things for them and make sure they're okay. It is a lot like an unconditional love.

We need all of these kinds of love to be able to have a successful marriage. If one is lacking then it will cause strain and cracks in the marriage and each other. If we are not careful and this becomes the case then we should find the source of the problem and try to fix it with communication.

Same Gender Attraction

In this post I will be mostly talking about gay men and their attraction to each other. Boys are not just simply "born that way". Being gay is not a genetic disorder or predisposition. It is usually caused by a number of factors as the boy grows up. A main factor is the father. A boy is more likely to be gay if:

1) If the father is distant, uncaring or never even there to begin with.

2) If the mother wears the pants in the family.

3) The boy gets picked on because the father has no great influence as to how the boy should act.

The boy is searching for acceptance from his own gender and tries to find it through peers. If the peers are not accepting it makes it even worse, so when the boy finally does find another boy who accepts him he mistakes acceptance for a different kind of feeling. He begins to have sexual desires towards other boys and then it just grows from there. There are other factors that play into it as well but having an unloving and cold father figure is a main contributor.

I encourage you to play with your son. Get to know him personally and try to understand him. Play games with him and tell him that you're proud of him. Let him know he has someone to turn to in any time of need. Be his teacher and guider through this rope course of life, but most importantly tell him you love him.

Culture

Every culture is different and there are many kinds of different cultures. First, we must define culture. Google's definition of culture is, "the arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively." This is a good definition for this post but everyone has a different view of what culture can be defined as. 

Culture plays a huge role in how a family works together. Culture influences how children grow up. For example, in some African cultures everyone raises the children together. They work together to help the child develop. Every culture is different and we should take the time to understand them. Just as long as we love our children unconditionally.  Each family has their own culture. Cultures are passed down from generation to generation. For example, family dinners may be a common thing in your family and then it will continue on with your children. Another example is in politics. Children usually follow the views of their parents. Culture is full of traditions and specific views.

Family Rules

Family rules are very important. There are four ways to go about rules. First, you don't enforce them. If you do not enforce the rules or don't even have any in the house then the children will not take you seriously or gain respect for your views or opinions. The child will just end up doing whatever they want instead of what is best for them. They don't understand how the real world works and what is good or bad for them.

Second, you enforce the rules but are hypocritical in doing so. You may tell your child not to drink or swear and then find yourself doing those very things forbidden to your child. Children copy us a lot more than you think. They are always watching to understand and to see how to react to daily situations that occur. We should never say, "Do as I say, not as I do." Here is a video that demonstrates exactly what I'm talking about:

Third, we over enforce rules. We may want the best for our children but if we bog them down with intense rules and strict behaviors they are more subject for rebellion. If they rebel there is no telling what will happen or where they will end up.

Fourth, is the sweet spot. When you understand that you have to give a little in respectful places and be more strict in others. When children see that you understand their views and opinions then they are more subject to respect your views and opinions. The tricky part with this is knowing when to bend a little but when you get it right, it should feel like this...

Overpopulation?

Will the world become overpopulated? Did the baby boom cause things to get out of control? Will we kill the planet we live on if we keep reproducing?

These are some frequently asked questions that can make people very nervous about their future or the future of their posterity. I am here to tell you that the world is not on track to overpopulate. Fertility rates are actually decreasing and in most parts of the world, population will soon be nonexistent if this trend keeps up. 

What happened with the baby boom is that we believed that women were having around 9 kids each when in actuality, they were having less than 4. We were starting to become more advanced and started making vaccines and taking daily baths. It wasn't that we were having more children but in fact we were living longer. 

So, since our populations are actually diminishing we should not worry about using all of our resources. I've gotten all of my information from a documentary entitled, New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter. I have barely touched on all of the information it provides. If you want to check it out, that'd be great!

A Little About Me

My name is Stefanie and I'm from Houston, Texas. I am majoring in Child Development with a minor in Psychology. I would love to be a counselor at an elementary school.

 I am looking forward to this next semester because I am taking many family classes and I'm going to learn so much about what I am passionate about. I hope this blog can bring new meaning and new perspective to this crazy world we live in. I will be posting once a week. If you have any questions about posts I make, you can just comment and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!